She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Randomize
