Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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