the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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