PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
