A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I'm so fucking centered right now
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Never let your siblings swipe right.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Randomize
