I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
