dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize