I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
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