Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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