so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
