You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
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