why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
