Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Randomize
