I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Randomize