I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Randomize
