So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
