apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
