i wish there were pregnant emoticons
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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