i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Dicks are not precious.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
