Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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