my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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