Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
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