I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
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