my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
