I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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