I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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