Im at strip club and am horny
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
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