literally had 100 drinks last night.
How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Randomize
