goodnight i made you a song goodbye
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
