I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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