my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
