My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
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