I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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