he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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