Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Randomize
