I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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