Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
