If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
