I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
