Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
It's shark week go big or go home
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
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