someone get that fucking seahorse.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
