I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize