I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
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