I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I love you. Go after that dick
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Randomize
