I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
