Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
soo... how was my night?
Randomize
