call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
