He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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