I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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