Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize