Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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