and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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