She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Randomize
