If that was your dad, he is hot
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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