i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Randomize
